We all wanted things to go as planned
we wanted everything to work out
perfectly, we hoped it would,
we wanted it to.
We could not tolerate the tilt of chaos
chaos frightened us, its shadow scared us
please god, please god no!
Chaos is by nature a state of insecurity
chaos is the unknown, the ancient dark place
where anything can happen, even beyond
our ability to fix, we could be lost,
we could LOSE CONTROL!
This is the place where he had arrived
the place where he must sink or swim
where things would get the better of him
where he would just let go or still resist
there were no other options, at last
there were no other options.
Once we let go we can’t go back
not even if we would like to
there is nothing there when we turn around
no choice, we have to keep letting go
maybe there is no final end to it
maybe chaos is just like that —
an endless gesture of surrender.
Right here is the good death
life is wanting it, life appeared
to enjoy it completely, the release
back into its own emptiness, a womb
from which it can emerge once more,
all moist and soft and crying out loudly.
Don’t fear it, no, don’t resist
it is nothing really, not even bliss
a strange kind of ecstasy nevertheless
unfamiliar and yet so intimate, so true
but only if we are honest with ourselves
so honest that there is no longer any motive
to have any of it be other than it is.
We believe we can do it, we think:
“Yes, I can do it, I really can!
I am ready, bring it on!”
That is our imagination
it is wonderfully hopeful
it must go, that too . . .